Liberals in the Woods Date: Monday, December 03, 2001 3:54 PM Liberals Whining in the Woods Deep neo-thinkers have long contemplated the following problem: If a liberal is lost in the woods and nobody is there to hear him whine, is there any noise? Which brings up three related questions: Why is the liberal lost in the forest in the first place,? Why doesn't anyone hear him? And why can't he hear himself? A well known and widely quoted metaphysician named Murphy, perhaps the same Murphy who formulated Murphy's Laws, arrived at an answer to the first question: why is the liberal lost in the forest? According to Murphy: liberals are perpetually lost, anyway. Even more significant, they cannot see the forest for the trees. Since their moral compasses are broken, with their eyes fixated on castles in the air and their ears seduced by Bolshevik sirens, they are incapable of finding their own way without governmental intervention. As Murphy's First Law states, "If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong." Murphy tells us the Liberal Addendum to his First Law states: for liberals everything must go wrong and (A2) everything must go wrong ever more rapidly. Therefore, it is no wonder liberals are lost in the woods. As the Romans would say, it is their "modus operandi". As for the second question, why no one hears liberal whining in the forest, empirical investigations provide some clues. As everyone knows, the liberals and their environmentalist siegfriends have driven the workers of the forest -- formerly known as "loggers" -- out of the woods. To save old-growth trees and spotted owls, the liberals have eradicated the logger in most parts of the north and west. Furthermore, derelict trees saved by liberal agitation are of no help. After all, trees, having no ears, cannot detect the shrill whine nor the muffled whimper of the lost liberal. The spotted owls, who actually favored logging camps for their nests, are nowhere to be found. Perhaps they have departed to Canada or Siberia. Why then, you might ask, aren't the Boy Scouts around to hear the distress of the lost liberal. But the Boy Scouts, persecuted by liberal attorney's and stalked by the National Man-Boy Love Association, are now too busy defending themselves in court to visit the woods. No longer are they free to roam the forest in search of errant liberals. Sly observers of the modern forest might then ask about the local pot growers. Wouldn't they hear the liberal and come to his rescue? But no, they are likely too busy listening for the rotor blades of the "war on drugs" helicopters. Well, what about other mythical creatures of the forest? Art Bell and his listeners might wonder why Big Foot doesn't hear the whining of the lost liberal. Wouldn't this shy creature, with his super-sensitive hearing, be able to detect the muffled cries, the self-aggrandized sobs? Alas, Big Foot also smells the liberal long before he ever hears him -- and runs in the opposite direction as fast as his big feet can carry him. Lastly, why doesn't the liberal hear himself? We could turn to the North American Underground School of Reactionary Metaphysicians, which secretly formulated the First Law of Feminism: "A feminist is a woman trapped in a woman's body -- who is screaming to get out." Although this same school erroneously postulated that liberals are hive animals with a shared consciousness, the Underground School was confirmed the first to realize that liberals are always found in a state of constant denial. As all liberal complaints are directed outward, the organ of self-responsibility becomes seriously atrophied resulting in internal collapse. Usually, a mini-black hole forms in the cerebral cortex resulting in every tidbit of common sense or useful knowledge in the proximity of the frontal lobes to be sucked away into infinity. At the same time, since politically correct rant and neo-Freudian psychobabble is known to possess special anti-matter and anti-intelligence properties, the hideous stuff of liberalism itself is nearly always regurgitated in reaction. This convoluted process results in the liberal's whining not being heard by the liberal as actual pitiful bleating, but rather, is mistaken as a mighty and righteous roar of their own making. Where the most of us might hear but a pathetic cry, the liberal only hears the promise of utopia. In other words, he hears nothing at all. So then, if nobody hears the whimpering of the lost liberal we come to the crux of the question: is there actually any noise? The answer is, "Yes, there is noise". You see, there are still hunters in the forest. They are probably right wing, but undoubtedly armed. Through their telescopic sights, the hunters may see the whining liberal long before they hear a thing; and because their HMO's are probably lamentably poor, due to the increasing socialization of medicine, the hunters may well have uncorrected stigmatism and may well mistake whimpering liberals for deer. So you see, unfortunately, there may well be the sound of rifle fire. And what is the moral of this deep neo-philosophical story which itself has become lost in the woods? A non-conservative middle-of-the-road Republican might offer that hunters should get their eyes checked once a year. But the real moral is that, strangely enough, bad eyes together with a steady trigger finger aren't always such a bad combination for solving some of life's deeper metaphysical questions. My thanks to Grover Norquist. In further commentary, please note that almost all leftist nonsense, empty rhetoric, and philosophical garbage descends directly from Marxist arguments, not from anything intelligent. It is also unfortunate but none the less true that Islamist Fascists and Terrorists share affinity for Marxist rhetoric because they both desire nothing less than total domination of the world and their own political control of all society. PLB The Blue Eye View, Blue Eye, MO